Focus & Meaning STUDENT13, on a scale of one to six, your response to this assignment was rated a 4 for focus. Focus relates to your ability to present a consistent, unified message and stay on topic. Your focus is adequate. Typically, a response at this level gives a fairly clear statement of purpose and wanders only slightly from the topic.
STUDENT13, let's look at how you can make your writing better. As you get ready to revise, read your essay out loud so you can hear your ideas and words.
Revision Goal 1: State the central/controlling idea of your essay.
1.In your introduction, you should include one sentence that tells your reader what your essay is about. This is called your thesis statement. Highlight this sentence in yellow.
2.If you did not include one sentence that explains what your essay is about, write one at the beginning of your essay now.
Example:
Before Revision: I want to go on a hike through the scenic Redwood National Forest. I would also like to participate in the Junior Ranger Program. While I am in the Redwood National Forest, I hope to learn about the history of the park during an evening campfire program.
Frank's Strategy:I listed a few ideas, but I did not write one sentence that clearly explains what my essay is about. I need to add this sentence now.
After Revision:There are many reasons why I think visiting the Redwood National Forest in California would make a great field trip for my class. First, the scenic Redwood National Forest offers many interesting hikes. Secondly, all students would have the opportunity to participate in the Junior Ranger Program. Finally, while we are there, we can learn about the history of the park during an evening campfire program.
Frank's Reflection:I added a sentence to explain what my essay will be about and to show how my ideas are related.
Revision Goal 2: Understand and write for your audience.
1. Think about your audience. Are you writing to someone your own age, or are you writing to an adult? Are you writing to someone familiar with your subject and ideas, or are you writing to someone who does not know about your subject and ideas?
2. Make sure the details and information that you included about the central/controlling idea of your essay will be interesting and important to you reader.
Example:
Before Revision: Hey what's up? I wanna tell you about something really neat. Hiking in the Redwood National Forest would be real cool! Oh my gosh, I really wanna go. I mean there are so many cool activities to do.
Frank's Strategy: I need to replace my informal language and slang with more formal language. In addition, my audience may not know what the Redwood National Forest looks like, so I need to add more details to help my reader understand why I think the forest would be a spectacular place to visit.
After Revision: I would like to go hiking in the Redwood National Forest because it is an interesting place. The Redwood Forest is filled with trees as tall as skyscrapers. Redwood trees can live to be 2,000 years old and can grow 300 feet tall.
Frank's Reflection: I replaced informal language with more formal language. I also added important facts and information about the Redwood Forest so that my audience would better understand my essay.